Assume Best Intent, Lead with Curiosity
It's much easier to jump to conclusions but by choosing understanding over judgment, we foster empathy. Creating compassionate interactions with those around us.
Assume Best Intent
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about” – Wendy Mass. We often say that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated, but what does that truly look like in practice? It is about assuming the best intent behind people’s words and actions—a mindset that is far more difficult to maintain when we are faced with real-life situations. Think about the person who cuts you off on the highway, the friend who arrives late, the colleague who interrupts you in every conversation, the individual who forgets to respond to your email or the family member who does not quite understand your needs. In these moments, it is all too easy to assume that their words or actions come from a place of malice. That narrative often feels reasonable to us, because if we believe their behavior is harmful, then our reaction seems justified.
When we choose to respond negatively, the "ugly" side of ourselves feels warranted. We create a story about the other person that justifies our behavior, and when we share this story with others who share our perspectives then our behavior is further validated. After all, we are the ones telling the story, and in our version, we are never the villain. But what if we chose to tell a different story? What if the person who cut you off on the highway was rushing to pick up their child? What if the friend who was late had endured a difficult morning, struggled with negative self-talk, and leaving the house at the last minute was their best? What if the person who interrupts you in conversations is simply insecure about their voice and fears not being seen? What if the colleague who overlooked your email is living with an invisible disability? What if the family member who does not fully understand your needs is still trying to understand their own?
I have been on the receiving end of someone not assuming the best intent, and in those moments, I have thought, "If only they knew why..." That experience taught me a valuable lesson: I did not want to be that person; I did not want to have that mindset. We have all found ourselves in both roles: the one who assumes the worst and the one who yearns for others to believe the best of us. Imagine the kind of world we could create if we began to assume the best intent in others.
Lead With Curiosity, Not Judgement
"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself” – Wayne Dyer. From a young age, I was deeply inquisitive, always seeking to understand the reasoning behind something before acting. If I could provide that reasoning to myself then action would be swift, others have described me as a doer. The need to understand, however, meant that I rarely simply followed instructions as a child. I frequently heard responses like “because I said so” or the phrase “just do it” (which later became Nike’s slogan) were common, but I never accepted them. Rather than being labeled as curious, I was often described as hard-headed—so much so that as a teenager I would describe myself that way.
My need to understand why felt similar to a compulsion. I could not act without knowing the rationale behind things and when I did it was because I did not want the headache of the back-and-forth, so the habit of crossing my fingers behind my back and silently signaling my resistance was born. As I look back, it was my way of staying true to myself, quietly telling myself that even though I followed instructions or listened I did not agree. Where this trait has proven beneficial is in my ability to ask others “why.” It drives me to seek understanding over judgment. While I am not claiming to be free of judgment, it is not my default. I genuinely want to understand the reasons behind people’s actions and decisions.
One practice I encourage is this: when you find yourself judging someone's behavior, pause and ask them, "Why?" Instead of reacting immediately, take a moment to understand their perspective. In my own experience, choosing curiosity over judgment has often led me to surprising and enlightening insights—discoveries I would have missed had I simply relied on assumptions.
For example, when someone is quiet or reserved, we might assume they do not want to engage with us. But if we ask “why,” we may learn that they simply do not have anything to say at that moment. If we see someone eating a lot of junk food, we might quickly label them as unhealthy or lacking self-control. But by asking “why,” we could find that they are using food to cope with stress or difficult emotions. When a colleague appears overly competitive, we might assume they only care about themselves and winning. However, by asking “why,” we may uncover that they grew up in a large family and had to compete for attention. Similarly, when someone is always on their phone, we might assume they are addicted or socially inept. But asking “why” could reveal that they are simply using their phone as a way to decompress and unwind.
I could provide many more examples, but the point is this: when we default to judgment, it often stems from something within us or something we were taught by others. It is important to become curious about the judgments we hold and ask ourselves “why” we feel that way. Lead with curiosity because to be curious means you want to understand not just what is on the surface but what lies beneath and when people seek to listen with an intent to learn not an intent to respond. As a mentor once told me, “You need to dig into the second and third layers of questions. That’s when you get to the true answer.”