Ugly Behavior Isn’t the Full Story
People’s behavior often stems from their own inner struggles or insecurities. What if, instead of reacting to someone’s ugly behavior, we chose to see it as a reflection of their own unmet needs?
The Truth Behind People’s Ugly Behavior
We have all had the thought: “It’s not about you.” Whether it is something we have realized ourselves or a phrase someone else has said to us, it is easy to forget in the heat of the moment. When we are juggling busy lives, rushing from one task to the next, the idea that someone else’s behavior might have absolutely nothing to do with us often slips our minds.
One morning during school drop-off, I encountered an adult who was unexpectedly snappy and downright rude. I remember being polite both before and after the interaction. Yet, after driving away and heading to work, I could not shake the discomfort I felt from the exchange. I called my mother to vent, and she helped me step back and see the situation differently. She suggested that this person might have been projecting their frustrations onto me and that their behavior had nothing to do with me. In that moment, I realized how easy it is to internalize someone else’s bad behavior when, in fact, it is about their struggles, not ours. The truth is people’s ugly behavior often runs deeper than mere frustration. Sometimes, it reflects personal insecurity, stress, or a lack of emotional regulation.
Much negative behavior is rooted in the other person's inner world. Imagine, for instance, that you're taking a little longer than usual to decide between an Americano and a Macchiato at the coffee shop. Suddenly, the person behind snaps at you, visibly annoyed by the delay. This individual may be struggling with their own time management. Rather than confronting their own challenges—such as leaving home late or mismanaging their morning—they redirect that frustration onto you. It is much easier to blame the person in front of them than to acknowledge their own lack of preparedness. In this scenario, you were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time, a convenient target for someone else’s unaddressed insecurities.
Their reaction is not about you taking a little extra time; it is about their own inability to manage time or cope with the consequences of it. It is easier for them to lash out than to acknowledge that their behavior stems from an internal struggle—the discomfort they feel with their own limitations, which they mask by blaming others. This is where we see how fragile the human ego can be, and why so many people fail to take responsibility for their actions. Admitting that they have mishandled a situation would require confronting their own insecurities. This lack of self-accountability often leads to hiding because when we hide no one can hold us accountable, as a result, the hurt inside is projected outward.
This is not the only way that people’s ugly behavior is showcased. It can emerge when someone criticizes aspects of your character or personality. I remember being told that I was "too much" by someone, this critique is about the individual’s struggles. Those who have labeled me as "too much" are not commenting on my behavior—they are revealing their own insecurities. What they were really saying, even if they did not realize it, is that they wished they could be as bold, audacious, and free as I am. I walk into any room with the confidence that I belong there, and I bring the energy to make sure it is a positive space. As a child, I knew without question that I was the party, and even now, I embrace the mindset that, no matter the setting, I will have a good time because I am with myself.
When someone criticizes a part of your personality that you love and are proud of, it is rooted in envy. They are criticizing the very qualities they wish they could embody but feel incapable of developing themselves. It is not that they are simply judging you—it is that they are frustrated by their own lack of boldness, by their own unwillingness to step into the light and be seen. They are angry that you can stand confidently, without hesitation, while they remain stuck in their own fears and insecurities. They wish they could show up with the same audacity and freedom you do, but instead of doing the work to get there, it is easier for them to tear you down, to criticize what they are too afraid to attempt because being stuck feels comfortable and safe.
When someone tells you that you share too much, they are afraid to open up and show vulnerability themselves. If someone tells you not to wear something bold, they are projecting their fear of standing out. When someone criticizes your passions, they are jealous of your confidence to pursue what you love while they are stuck. When people criticize how much attention you give to your relationship, they are saddened by the lack of intimacy and friendship in their own relationship.
What these ugly behaviors ultimately show us is that those who criticize or lash out at others are often too focused on changing the people around them to avoid addressing their own shortcomings. If they surround themselves with people who are also fearful or insecure, they do not have to confront the uncomfortable work of self-improvement.
Everyone is Someone’s Child—Treat Them That Way
Having this frame of mind first occurred when my oldest sister had her firstborn, my niece. Throughout the course of my life, this thought has popped into my head whenever I have interacted with others or thought about treating someone in a way I would not want to be treated. I am far from perfect, and I do not always get it right. But having this perspective helps me pause before reacting to others in frustration or anger.
Recognizing that everyone is someone's child has become a constant reminder for me to approach others with kindness and understanding. This perspective encourages me to remember that every person, regardless of their age or circumstances, carries a story, a family, and a history that deserves respect. When I think of my younger sister raising her child, or when I see parents interacting with their children, I realize how easy it is to forget that every adult was once cared for and shaped by someone. It is not just a matter of recognizing our shared humanity but acknowledging the vulnerabilities we all carry. In those moments when we feel frustrated or impatient with others, remember that they too are loved, they too have moments of insecurity, and just like us, they are learning and growing through life. It does not always change how you feel in the moment, but if you try it, I promise that it will change your actions.